Day 75.....Once Upon a Time and Now

My weight has always been a sore subject for me. Being teased and moving often didn’t help my self esteem. I was brought up in the church and Christian school, so I knew God. My relationship with God didn’t start until I really needed Him, the summer before my junior year of high school. That is when He became my comfort and Solace as I faced another year at a new school which always meant possible rejection. My young mind contributed this rejection to my weight. So that summer, was a time of exercise, writing all my hopes and dreams in my journal and spending time with my new buddy, God. As the year began, the world that I desperately wanted to fit into started to accept me. I gained friends and finally felt at home with myself, where I lived, and with my plans for my future. I felt I belonged, and I had it all under control. My old buddy, God, faded into the background. Then the worst possible thing was now my reality my family was moving again at the end of that year, my senior year. In my devastation I chose to blame God. I believed the lie that He had taken away all my hopes and dreams. I began a 7 year spiraling web, centered on self image, and anger. I believed that if I was going to amount to anything and if anyone was ever going to accept me I needed to be like the world. The world in my young mind looked like a desperate need to be skinny, getting attention of boys and unfortunately drinking alcohol. All my childhood fears, all the moving, the friendships I gained and lost, the broken ambition, rejection, the teasing flooded me. I lost hope. I was acting upon and listening to lies that motivated me down the wrong path. I began an "only eat an apple", or a binge then purge, type diet and noticed that when I look good I got attention. It didn't matter that it was the wrong kind of attention, it fed the lies that I chose to believe. Alcohol also fed the lie that I was only funny and socially accepted when I drank. My choices caused more heartaches, fear, pain, torment, and misery. I was a mess in that year before and just after I graduated high school. When things got really dismal, I always felt a protection over me a small comforting Voice in those times. I sought after my career choice, which was totally a wrong fit for me, a flight attendant that became afraid to fly. I found myself needing to eat but not knowing what to or how to eat to maintain my socially acceptable image. I got pregnant, got married, then my worst nightmare, I miscarried my baby. I found myself totally lost, confused, married and gaining weight fast. I was now in a job that met the needs of my new life, totally duty bound. This was a time and reason to get a feel good fix from my old Buddy, God, who incidentally, I still blamed for my bad behavior. I still felt protected. My heart softened enough to listen to the small Voice that actually kept me from slipping too far. Like times when I was tempted to violate my marriage vows but I obeyed that small Voice. I drifted into unfamiliar territory, accountability, when I joined Weight Watchers. I finally learned how and what to eat, I lost 30 pounds, but it was never enough. My brain kept seeing unattainable goals for my weight; I let other bodies dictate my success. I felt like I could never compete, never be good enough. I got depressed. Then wanted to have a baby to fill the void, but couldn't get pregnant. I enrolled in college to fill time, and chase another career for fulfillment. Nothing worked. I still got my God fix when I needed a boost and my husband got on the God fix, too. He also needed to get out of the depressed place we both were in. It’s amazing that God still comforted me even when I had such anger and resentment toward Him. I re-examined God and my past. In searching for something, I felt lead to a women’s conference at a local church and I found the “answer", the “answer" that I never knew. The "answer" was God requires something from me.....MY LIFE. I needed to see my life through the eyes of the One who created me, the One who holds my hopes and dreams in a safe place, until I ask Him for them. The one who knows exactly what will make me joyful, peaceful, kind, loving and hopeful, because He made me, He designed me. Like the engineer of a machine knows the intricate parts that make the machine do what it was designed for. I needed to give God my life and my trust. I asked God to forgive me and committed my life to Him, this time I said the prayer of salvation with a true heart felt motive and sincerity. God loved me too much to leave me with wounds that needed to heal, and a heart that was in pieces. That was 9 years ago; I am still being overhauled into the life He desires for me. I am only obligated to listen to His voice daily and walk in His guidance. God has revealed Himself to me through the Bible, through a church that I am a member of and serve at, through friends that God brought into my life, through finally listening to the parents that prayed me through my dark days, through alternative outreaches, through my now saved and living like a Godly man, husband. Now, I am crossing the bridge of obedience that’s called getting healthy. Whatever God has next for me requires health, requires healing the wound of poor self image, accepting the body He made, and the foods that He gave us to enjoy. I am excited to get to that place, but I am also learning to love the journey. It requires faith, hope, and most importantly love. God was with me the whole time, His protection was always their, His still small voice kept me safe. I won't be foolish again to blame my loving, redeeming, perfect Father for anything. I will, I choose and I know better. I still go through battles with the liar who wants to rob me of my best life; however God is still with me in the battle and He will always be the VICTOR! God has given me two beautiful daughters. I have come a long way. I can only look to and trust in the only ONE TRUE GOD, through JESUS, HIS SON and HIS SPIRIT my constant HELPER.


Daily Food Journal
(page taken from Weight Watchers journal)